The deeply passionate couple that chooses to be together against the wishes of everyone around them. The man who leaves everything in his life in order to chase after the love of a woman who has captured his heart. The passion, the intensity…the happily ever after, "love conquers all" ending. Nice, right?
The idea of a love that encompasses all is really beautiful. It's an idea that fills a lot of hearts and sells a heck of a lot of tickets to the movies. People have written about it and dreamed about it for thousands of years.
But I'm going to risk sounding totally soulless and say…I just don't believe it exists. At least, not romantically.
Think of it this way: In the best of these ultra-romantic stories, what happens at the end? Either one of the two lovebirds will die…or the story will end with that one triumphant kiss, leaving their gorgeous and glowing future up to your imagination. They never show the rest of it - the arguments about wedding plans, the dry spells in their sex lives, all the struggling they do to keep their love alive.
I think many people - especially the more romantic of us - look at the concept of unconditional love, and see its beauty without thinking about how all-encompassing the concept truly is. Unconditional love is a love that one feels for another no matter what. It doesn't matter if that person is rich or poor, healthy or sick, young or old, happy or unhappy.
Sounds doable, right?
Sure. But unconditional love is also a love that you'll feel whether or not somebody is nice to you or cruel, caresses or beats you, is generous or murderous, is a good parent or an abusive one. That's a little harder, isn't it?
The truth is, we love other people for what they are as much as for who they are. And if a person we love stops being everything we love about them - and especially if they start being things that we would hate in everybody - that love will generally fade. Or even suddenly implode. There's a difference between accepting people for their flaws ("warts and all") and loving them without question no matter what they do to you and those you love. The first should be easy. The second? Well, it should be impossible.
Better Kinds of Love
I'm a romantic person. I'm addicted to romantic melodramas and silly novels where the guy gets the girl at the end. But I don't believe in unconditional romantic love…and I wouldn't want it even if it did exist. Because I believe that love between two equals is something that should be earned. A process of give and take that leads to strong and healthy relationships.
I think the search for unconditional love sets expectations for a relationship too high. When you expect too much, it's all too easy to get disillusioned when you find out that you don't have it - and never did. So if you've spent your life holding out for that beautiful, conquers-all, unconditional love…I would suggest you forget about it. Instead, look for a love that builds and grows strong between equals. That is dependant on the way you care for and treat one another. A love that is earned.
If you hold out forever for a love that conquers all…you're going to be holding out, well, forever.
Read »